Who inspires me?

I started drafting this blog at the end of February 2020 when the prospect of what we faced had not fully registered in our part of the world. The last few weeks have unfolded at such a rapid pace, at times I have been unable to keep up emotionally or practically. I found myself unable to hold back the tears during a meeting when it was announced that all non-urgent elective surgery was cancelled. Suddenly the impact and ramifications felt so incredibly real, and my thoughts turned to someone close to our family waiting for life saving cancer surgery, I continue to pray that she will be able to receive what she needs.

I came back to this blog in a moment of fear, when I found myself searching for help and direction. I then remembered my dad, my other sources of inspiration and what I have learned from them. I hope that sharing these may offer some inspiration and hope to people facing what no one wishes to face now and over the coming months.

A memory that returns to me over and over particularly in times of stress, is standing with my Dad in our kitchen. I was frightened, I felt desperately unsettled and uncertain at what was going to happen as we faced his death. He seemed so well and yet he had just weeks to live- we didn’t know that that death was so close and we never spoke about ‘it’, apart from this time. Dad preferred to focus on living , on what he could do. Some might say it was denial, I think it was his way of being in the moment and focusing on what he could control. He continued to plan the holiday to Cyprus and the garden for the summer, place bets on the horses and search the charity shops for a ‘hidden gem’, all this kept him sane and buoyant each day.

I was crying and asked him “what are we going to do?”. In that moment I sensed his strength and stillness. He hugged me for some time and said “we will be okay”. I said “how do you know?” he said “because we have to be”…..

” we just keep putting one foot in front of the other”

His calmness, stillness and stability in that moment and throughout his illness has stayed with me. The hug he gave me that day has never left me, it has and will last me a lifetime.

Whenever I feel lost, I think of Dad that day, facing death and facing his heartbroken 21 year old daughter. The loss has been profoundly and indescribably deep. What has imprinted on me and what continues to be a source of strength and hope is that we can face the unthinkable and we can do this by putting one foot in front of the other, being with each moment, moment by moment.

Calmness, stillness, acceptance and peace is within us all.

Facing my vulnerability and grief took me to deeper place within myself. I have met a number of inspirational people who introduced me to meditation, self compassion (great website & resources here from Kristen Neff), compassionate communication and teachings that enable me to be in the present moment, whatever that might be. Leaning into vulnerability has enriched my interactions as a nurse and coach. (Brene Brown’s Ted Talk on The Power of Vulnerability is well worth watching)

Eckhart Tolle who’s work on being in the present moment, reminds us of this here as he talks about facing adversity and the opportunity to awaken to the deeper dimension of who we are.

Jeff Foster also writes about being with the present and what it brings. I am always uplifted reading his work. He is sharing a number of free meditation resources at this difficult time.

My Mum always listens with compassion and the intent to understand the person in front of her. She never tries to change the person, sway or influence them. She faced being widowed at 48 with 3 children with such courage, acceptance and kindness. I was so inspired by her ability to listen that I have spent many years devoted to improving my listening and communication skills.  I have been committed to having the ‘difficult conversations’ and to talking openly and honestly about death and dying.

Penny Vine, a dear friend, who’s commitment and self discipline to modelling and teaching the work of Marshall Rosenberg on Non-Violent Communication (NVC or compassionate communication), is a never ending source of inspiration to me. Penny has overcome and worked with her own challenges and transformed these into an inspirational ‘way of being’ with others. She and many in the NVC community have the vision for communities of compassion that have the potential to support us through these difficult times. NVC is a learnable, practical way to bring empathy, honesty, strength and compassion into our personal and professional relationships. I keep one of Penny’s reminders on my fridge ….

“in this moment am I wishing to connect or correct?”

My Mum, Dad, Penny and many others who inspire me have all devoted much of their time and energy to the development and care for others. My Dad was an advocate for the vulnerable and outcast from society. As a probation officer he believed strongly in and worked for the rehabilitation of offenders, enabling them to develop new skills and rebuild their lives. My mum has contributed to thousands of women’s and children’s lives. She focused on vocational education for those who would not get GCSE’s or A- Levels and believed in and championed those who did not ‘fit’ the usual educational model. In addition to this she has volunteered for the National Childbirth Trust (NCT) providing breastfeeding counselling to many women, her empathic non-judgemental listening enabling women to find their way through the challenges of a learning a new skill with a new born baby.

My sources of inspiration are what I value and their qualities what I seek to continually cultivate in myself. They are what have brought me into and keep me in healthcare. The qualities of stillness, acceptance, courage in the face of adversity, commitment, listening to understand, self- compassion, care and compassion for others are more relevant now than ever in this current healthcare and societal crisis. I hope what I share offers resources to support and enable you to face the unthinkable, be with the present moment however challenging that might be and offer yourself care and compassion.