Covid, me and a Schwartz Round

I felt a range of emotions in wave 1 and 2 of Covid and despite being amongst colleagues I had felt incredibly alone. Wave 1 was surreal, the feeling of uncertainty and dread like watching the sea leave the beach before the Tsunami hits, knowing something awful will return. I was frustrated that I couldn’t do anything apart from watch and support colleagues on the ‘real’ frontline. I felt guilt for my position, that I was able to stay relatively safe.

The clapping felt strange each week, I felt guilt that I wasn’t doing enough and at times I felt anger that the spotlight was now on our amazing work after many years of feeling that our work was hidden. People often don’t appreciate the care, compassion and clinical expertise of healthcare until they are on the receiving end of it. I was angry that it had taken this awful situation for society to realise the importance of roles such as health and care workers. I kept thinking about my 20+ years working in healthcare and saying to myself “where was the support and acknowledgement in the last 20 years?”.

I thought back to my District Nursing days juggling minimal staffing levels with large and complex caseloads of patients to visit, trying to work out the safest way to ration care, which visits and interventions could be delayed, missed or reduced in order to see those most in need, usually those who were dying at home. 

I thought of the winters in the Emergency Department, trolleys of our most vulnerable and elderly patients collecting in every available space, because the hospitals are full of other patients, many with complex needs. A perfect storm of inadequate resources and increased demand. 

There was no clapping or recognition then.

When I wrote this we were in the thick of wave 2 in Leeds, with way more patients than in wave 1, the hospital was creaking, difficult decisions being made about what care we could deliver with the resources we had. And it was silent, no clapping, no media spotlight, no pictures of bruised and exhausted staff coming off long shifts having been shrouded in layers of PPE. The wave came back in quietly and the public appeared to have no idea. 

The public appeared sceptical then and still even now in January 2021, the camaraderie has gone and there’s now a feeling of blame, judgement and even conspiracy theories. The NHS has gone back to delivering it’s work, hidden and unseen. I’ve felt angry, angry for all that we have done as health and care staff past and present and all that we will do in the future. We’re juggling an impossible number of balls and trying to fit together an impossible jigsaw. 

Using my NVC (Non-Violent Communication) practice , I have listened to the anger and what it is telling me. Anger points to unmet needs, back in October, my needs for self-care, acknowledgement and recognition were not being met. I discovered that I need to do this for myself. 

I wrote this at the end of October 2020 in preparation to be on the panel of a Schwartz Round round. The Schwartz round was an incredibly powerful way to share my feelings, I had been holding them in and felt very alone. 3 of us shared our stories of ‘Covid and me’, then the participants of the round shared their reflections. I was moved to tears of joy hearing the reflections of others in the round. The power of being vulnerable was reflected back. One person shared that he had realised the vulnerability that he faced during the first wave and how this drove him to work harder and do more, that somehow over working was a mechanism for demonstrating worth. This resonated deeply with me. To hear this deepened my understanding of my own vulnerability in all of this and that I too, over work to cover up my vulnerability and to feel worthy.

During the Schwartz round I was reminded of our shared human feelings and experiences, I felt held, part of something supportive and caring. It was transformative. Not everyone had the same feelings but we all took something from the stories of the panel members, participants different perspectives, and a restorative acknowledgement of what a challenging time this has been for everyone. You can find our more about Schwartz Rounds here

Sharing our stories in a safe space, to be heard and to be validated is so very important, particularly in these volatile, uncertain, complex and ambiguous times.

By sharing my story, writing it down for the round and being heard I was able to acknowledge my feelings and needs which is the first step in being able to meet them. Simply acknowledging those needs in me honoured and transformed them. 

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Acknowledging emotions of the healthcare workforce: enabling understanding of needs

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Valuing, Sustaining and developing the nursing workforce